A 28 year old woman from east London has decided to use up her last remaining fucks on a meaningless, Simon Cowell-birthed talent show.
Whilst the world around her surely crumbles and fascism makes an early centennial appearance, Lisa Cuthbertson has spent the past few months wasting every last one of her fucks worrying over who will make the X-Factor final.
With the penultimate week of the show nearly upon a
undeserving public, Lisa has fretted into the night over whether her favourite acts will make it through and grilled her colleagues as to who they were voting for.
Upon finding out that Sharon from accounting was rooting for Matt Terry, Lisa erupted, ‘It’s an absolute disgrace that’s what this is. A bloody disgrace.
The boy’s got no talent, no charisma, no sex appeal. He’s got no edge like Frankie Cocozza and no charm like Ben Haenow. He’s so much more of a Eoghan Quigg than a Ray Quinn but Nicole keeps on trying to turn him into some kind of Ché Chesterman. Never seen anything like it’, the admin assistant ranted to the distress of her colleagues.
Her manager, Steven Giles, told us, ‘With Lisa it’s the same every year – she’ll get so pent up over this she forgets all about Aleppo. Or even about the office campaign to turn off computer monitors and recycle our kitchen towels. Me, well I’m using my fucks wisely by pining over things I can’t change and donating to campaigns to overturn Brexit and AIDs. They’re bound to pay out one of these days.’
Finding more Stevens than fellow X-Factor aficionados in the office, Lisa has recently taken to Twitter to voice her concerns. There, despite concerns over post-truth politics, declining trust in public institutions, and the sheer terrors of globalisation tearing apart national sovereignty and social cohesiveness, she has found plenty of people willing to spunk their fucks up the wall on the X-Factor, just like her.
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Image Credit: ITV X Factor Screengrab, http://www.itv.com/xfactor [Image has been edited using light and shadow effects]