Astronaut Tim Peake today declared that he was ready to come home, having become ‘bored as fuck’ after only 2 months in space.
The former platoon Commander told reporters, ‘I’ve over 3000 flying hours under my belt, 17 years on a helicopter and an award for best wing student.
I. Was. Top Gun.
But up here I can’t even get my hands on the damn space-wheel-thingy!’.
Peake went on to complain, ‘that bloody Russian keeps hogging it and he’s not letting me have a go at all. Even worse, I’ve pretty much got bitch seat so can’t put some decent tunes on.’
Peake’s statement surprised many of the public, who have joined together to lecture the astronaut about ‘the majesty of watching Earth slowly turning from space’.
‘Look, it’s alright if he’s a bit pissy with the Russians,’ one man from south London told us. ‘But my taxes sent him up there (I think??), and I’ll be damned if he doesn’t spout platitudes about the fragility of life and the need for global understanding, every single minute he’s on that station..’
To some surprise Peake is considering giving into the public’s demands, provided he can: ‘put on some decent, underground grime – not that overplayed Stormzy shit, just once’.
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Image Credit: European Space Agency, https://flic.kr/p/9RwfRm, [Image has been edited using light and shadow effects]