New Zealand to begin creation of ‘Orc Army’

New Zealand to begin creation of ‘Orc Army’


The New Zealand government shocked the world today by announcing that it would be creating a standing army of orcs to pillage and mutilate ‘as far as the elf eye could see’.

The Culture and Tourism Minister Rudy Brand was brutally honest in his earlier statement, ‘This is nothing more than an attempt to maintain the momentum generated by Lord of the Rings. This ministry neither supports nor rejects the actions which these orcs may partake in.’

The minister’s desperate manoeuvre seemed to be in response to decreasing numbers of tourists visiting the island nation. Although statistics show that 30% of visits are entirely motivated by Lord of the Rings, this number has been falling and many would be tourists have been put off by recent box office events.

‘It seems people may actually have been turned off by The Hobbit series,’ said one guide sneering. ‘As soon as we mention that a location was used in any of the non-canon exploits, lots of tourists just leave.’

Despite the potential economic gains the creation of the orc army has been controversial.

One critic told us, ‘Whilst I’m all for stimulating economic growth, far too many of the jobs created are going to these migrant uruk hai orcs who haven’t paid into the system and have a really different culture to us. No table manners either.’

Meanwhile, one of the first tourists had this to say about their mixed experiences with the army, ‘ I really enjoyed being up close and personal with the ravenous orc hordes. The excitement I felt when they first smelt my man flesh and came charging towards me was really something. But then they dismembered and beheaded my wife so it’s kind of put a damper on the honeymoon.’

Possibly Related Purchase: The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (Extended Edition Box Set) [DVD]

Image Credit: Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers (2002), New Line Cinema

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