Tory Culture Minister John Whittingdale today declared that ‘Adblocking is a modern-day protection racket’ and that is was his ‘unfortunate burden’ to form a paramilitary death-squad to bring justice to all developers involved.
Devoid of any hint of irony, Whittingdale informed reporters that he had been spurred into action when newspapers alerted him to their falling revenues. Editors of the Sun, Express, Mail, Standard, and Telegraph, then reminded him of their boisterous support for the Conservative Party, and hinted that they would be unable to secure his protection if he did not take action against the nefarious ‘adblock’, ‘adblock plus’, and ‘ublock’.
Sensing an opportunity to be the hero,
as watched by the nation on any of Sky 1’s exclusive dramas, Whittingdale has created a small paramilitary team to hunt down the adblockers, vowing that never again would anyone besides himself pose such a threat to UK journalism.
‘Clearly, I have a justified mandate in ridiculing outdated forms of UK journalism; specifically and exclusively the BBC,’ Whittingdale told our reporter. ‘They’ve been the original adblocker from day one. You’d be surprised just how little they care about profit – there’s barely an advert for betting and beer, or beer and betting, in sight!
But, the newspapers? All they want is to track their users, feed them hyper-specific insensitive adverts, and occasionally auto-play the latest trailer for whatever masterpiece Adam Sandler is working on.
They even offer a nice toolbar every now and again.’
Unsurprisingly, Whittingdale’s extreme approach is expected to earn an extreme reaction from adblockers. They are thought to be researching guerilla warfare tactics, as used by infamous Colombian adblocker Paulo Escobar, via the TV series Narcos. Via Netflix. Without ads.
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Image Credit: Jon S, https://flic.kr/p/ayGZwq [Image has been edited using light and shadow effects]