House Majority Leader John Boehner announced today that, having accomplished his dream to move attention away from his silly name, he was resigning from Congress and stepping down from his post in the leadership.
This dramatic decision came as a surprise to many in Congress who felt that Boehner had achieved some success in controlling his caucus of extreme right-wing evangelicals and extreme right-wing neo-conservatives. It is thought that the timing of Boehner’s decision was made to focus attention on his manic political legacy and not the false etymology he created to avoid calling himself Bo-ner.
‘He wants to be remembered for the chaotic, reactionary mess he left behind,’ said one inside source. ‘He simply had to steer, and then lose control of, the most obstructionist Congress of all time, so that the presiding memory of him leaving could be about more than just his name’.
One voter told us, ‘Boehner told me many things. He told me he wasn’t qualified to comment on climate change. He told me he was qualified to lead the world’s most important legislature. But most importantly he told me to pronounce his name ‘Bay-ner’. Up until now that’s all I really disagreed with.’
The hard right republican who was happy to preside over Republican ‘purity tests’ and ever-decreasing circles of authenticity, was burnt by the fire which he had stoked for so long as the Tea Party who had given him victory in the House, turned against him.
Despite this, he leaves on a personal moment of happiness, with the chaos he oversaw distracting, once and for all, from the fact that his name sounded like a ****. He also hopes that the country will soon forget his sparkly perma-tan and tendency to cry like your girlfriend in Marley and Me.
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Image Credit: Gage Skidmore, https://flic.kr/p/av3heT, [Image has been edited using light and shadow effects]