Queen Elizabeth II today announced her plans for ‘A Super Sweet 90th’, with the declaration that she wanted to see all her subjects throw themselves to their knees and ‘clean so much I can see my face in the marble’.
At an unveiling ceremony in front of her whole class, the Queen declared that the only reasonable, appropriate way to celebrate her making 90 years of age – with only the help of the world’s finest doctors and medical technology, would be to ‘have a rager on the mall once all the serfs have got everything tidy’.
She went on to say, ‘I’ve given the contract for the party to my grandson because he was the social sec at Burlington College, Oxford Rugby Club. He’s going to put together a great set and he knows where to source the good stuff.’
Despite the jubilation in the royal household, reaction on the streets was mixed. One survey indicated that the public were more likely to ‘go full Chinese toddler in a metropolitan city and shit in the streets,’ then clean for an old lady’s birthday. However, the survey did note that it had managed to find the one sycophantic git who thought it all was a great idea.
Although the ‘Clean for the Queen’ idea was almost universally denigrated, the ‘massive rager on the mall’ received a more lukewarm reaction.
James Stevenson told us, ‘I think it’s absolutely fantastic that they’re charging £150 for tea and biscuits, more so because they’re letting charities have the first opportunity to waste their money on them.’
‘What I like most about it is that the contract was won by her grandson Peter Phillips, and I had previously worried that the royal family was lacking in opportunities for nepotism. That’s a weight of my shoulders now’.
When reached for comment Peter Phillips told the BBC, ‘This is a not-for-profit event. My company are being paid a set fee, basically to take this from sign-off from the palace through to delivery of the event,’ proving his complete lack of awareness about how profit is generated.
Possibly Related Purchase: The Republic, Plato
Image Credit: Canadian Film Centre, https://flic.kr/p/ciHX7s, [Image has been edited using light and shadow effects]