An inanimate carbon rod has won the UK vote for person of the year, after literally everyone else was disqualified for being too offensive.
The rod was successful in this prestigious award by not only beating humans but also those animals which were nominated, and other, vaguely defined, ‘sentient beings’. Commentators have said that its victory is drawn from its universality and adaptability, able to blend in in almost every situation and not offend any particular group or individual.
By contrast, every single human being had been recorded saying something offensive in some way – with many freely volunteering their heinous opinions on Facebook posts about Donald Trump or refugees. Some didn’t even realise the offence they had caused, such as Janice McClean who was disqualified ‘as an ablelist’ after commenting that people should ‘stand up’ to poverty. When reached for comment Janice was found uprooting people from their wheelchairs and into the road – as her comment so implied.
Many others were equally unimpressed with the Carbon Rod’s victory, commenting that it was ‘equal parts foolish and undeserved’, and ‘it doesn’t even go here’. One H.J. Simpson, thought to be in initial contention for the prize, could not be reached for comment but his daughter (Lisa S.) said that awarding the prize to such a ‘phallic-centric object’ was ‘another boast from the frail insecurity of the masculine consciousness, an oppressive act akin to the greatest of traumas ever inflicted upon the world’.
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Image Credit: The Simpsons (1994)