POLITICS

Almost 50% of Americans guaranteed to have a terrible week

Almost 50% of Americans guaranteed to have a terrible week

#StatisticallyProven

After a long, painstaking research period of almost 18 months, scientists have concluded that approximately 50% of Americans are about to be really, really pissed off.

Through their careful analysis they have predicted that this 50% will then proceed to either 1) a raging bender in a trendy, wood-panelled cocktail bar, or 2) a quasi-revolutionary, Bud-light fuelled, orgy of secessionism, starting in a hunting lodge. Each situation is thought to be equally likely under each outcome.

Careful investigation by the international academics has also pinpointed exactly where the best celebratory, and commiseratory, parties/uprisings will be held late on Tuesday night. For the red team, the call to ‘party like the confederacy’ is expected to be heard most strongly in the depths of Mt. Doom, Mordor, and the small studio flat shared by Wario, Bowser and the white ghost from Pacman. For the blue team, the cry for a ‘socialist utopia in this life not the next’ is thought to go down well in the offices of Norton AntiVirus, McAfee Security and wherever the ‘West Wing’ staff find themselves on their long and futile quest to regain meaningful employment.

Undecided partygoer Paula Edwards told NSN, ‘I was so maddened by this election it almost drove me crazy. It’s only now that I step back and avail myself of all desire for the continued stability of the American Republic, that I can really bask in the complete and utter mental breakdown of between 45-55% of my friends – dependent upon how reflective they are off the overall population!’.

However, like the rest of us Paula must wait at least another day before celebrations/ utter chaos begin as first there is the small matter of choosing who will lead America forward, towards the inevitable decline of humankind beneath the fist of the first sentient robot oppressors the next election.

Possibly Related Purchase: The Purge: Election Year (DVD + Digital Download)

Image Credit: Gage Skidmore, https://flic.kr/p/gcCkSn, [Image has been edited using light and shadow effects]

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